Rest and Regret
by thewoman1
Summary: The night Cas died, Dean dreamed.


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The night Cas died, Dean dreamed of him.

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He somehow fell asleep that terrible night. He didn't remember how, only that he'd slept. There were vague sensations of moving a heavy load into the house; his arms had felt like they held the world within them but his hands wouldn't stop shaking. The world was quiet and muted and Sam's face drifted foggily in his eyes. His brother's mouth had moved and words came out but he couldn't understand them. He'd felt a hand on his shoulder leading him to the couch. Liquid fire had coursed down his throat and a warmth enveloped him then and he remembered closing his eyes, wishing for something, anything to take him away from there.

A higher power must've heard him because when he opened his eyes, he found himself…fishing. A breeze rustled through the forest that stretched around the pond he sat at and the water lapped lazily against the jetty. The air was clean and sweet and he felt warm and peaceful. There was a quietness in this space that a life of hunting would never bring him. He hummed to himself as the bobber floated along idly in the water.

"I always liked it here."

He turned and saw a ghost standing there.

The angel only looked at him. "Hello Dean."

He couldn't move- he couldn't..

"Cas." He said.

Before he knew it, he'd flung his arms around the other man and gripped him tight. "Cas…" Other words failed him. He drank in the angel's scent, the feel of his vessel against his body. He was firm and warm. He was real and he was there. Somehow against all odds.

The angel slowly embraced him back. "Dean..."

He let go of him to just look at him. He had to make sure. He had to see with his own eyes that another miracle was given to him, that his prayers had been answered. "How-how did you…? I saw you, I saw Lucifer kill you and I-" And he swallowed hard. "I carried you into the house..."

"Yes." Cas said quietly as he looked out at the peaceful pond and the warm fall air ruffled his coat and hair in the breeze. He looked more at peace than Dean had ever seen him. "I suppose that did happen."

"How are you here?" The last he saw Cas, he was dead on the table. Dean suddenly had a horrifying thought. "Am I ...am I dreaming?"

"You don't remember? You were here the last time I came to find you while you were sleeping." Cas closed his eyes and nodded to himself. "This is a good dream. I would've liked to have come here again one day."

Something was burrowing itself into Dean's throat and dread started to fill him. "Are- are you real or is this going on inside my head?"

Cas looked at him strangely and tugged at his coat. "Of course, this happening inside your head, Dean, but why should that mean that it is not real?"

"So you...you-" The thought was enough to make him want to throw up.

"I did."

Dean veins turned to ice. "Cas-"

"I guess Father was merciful in the end. Not everyone gets a chance to say good-bye."

Dean felt an instant of panic but he immediately clamped down on the feeling. "Listen to me. This isn't it. I'll bring you back."

He regarded Dean ruefully. "Dean, not even you can stop this."

"I won't let you, y'hear me?!" He said, voice rising. "I won't let you die! If you leave I swear to God…"

"Death comes for us all. Even my kind." The angel paid no attention to him and sighed wistfully, looking at the calmness of the water. "Rest at last. I always wondered what it would be like but now…I wish I didn't have to leave."

"I don't want you to." He said, the words spilled out of him now. "I need you. Here, with me, with Sammy. We'll go back to the bunker and…"

A darkness started to rise on the horizon and Dean watched horrified as it consumed everything it enveloped, pulling everything into its depths. The sun itself shrank away from its touch and tendrils of the blackness started creeping towards Cas.

"Dean, my remaining time here is short. Will you listen to me one last time?" He asked.

"We'll have more time. We can-we can work out a deal or something, Sammy'll know. He'll know." Dean pleaded, panic rising in his chest. The peacefulness of this place was disappearing like the sun on a stormy day as the darkness blotted away everything like black ink on paper. Cas won't leave him. He wouldn't do that to him. "You can't be gone. Don't leave me man."

"I remember when I first saw you in Hell." Cas said as if not hearing him, watching the darkness ooze around him. "You were twisted but your soul was so bright. I want you to know that no matter what you've done, you are, and always have been, a good man."

"Damnit Cas, don't do this to me!" He felt like he was losing him all over again.

"You gave me, a fallen angel, purpose in this world. You made me your family and for that alone, I can go knowing I was loved. Thank you for all that you've given me."

He reached out and grabbed the angel's hand as the darkness overtook the rest of him. "Look you can feel me. I'm here and you're here. You're real and I'm real." He said hoarsely. "I'm bringing you back with me, I'm not letting go of you again, not this time."

"You can't save me Dean." Cas smiled sadly. "I'm already dead."

"Cas-"

"This world needs you. I hope you'll think of me when I'm gone."

"Always." Dean felt something break inside him and he reached for Cas like a lifeline. "I can't do this without you." He rasped.

"I wish we had more time." Cas said, sorrow and regret in his eyes. They shone brightly at Dean even as the darkness engulfed the rest of his face. Then the blackness took everything, the trees, the pond and Cas. But he could still feel the angel's hand is his. "I'm sorry. Good-bye Dean."

"Please." Dean's voice finally broke. "Please don't leave me here. Don't do this to me!"

"Strange…I've never been this tired." The angel's voice sounded far away now. "I need to rest now."

And the warmth that held his hand disappeared.

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Dean woke up with a start, Cas' voice still echoing in his head. He looked around wildly. "Cas?!" Empty bottles littered the floor around the sofa he'd slept on. A sour taste stung his mouth and he wiped it away in disgust. Dean scrambled to his feet and his chest ached as he tore through the house like a madman. It was only a dream. Cas was still here, he was sure of it. Somewhere, maybe with Sammy, maybe he was watching those god-awful cartoons on TV, he didn't care.

He found an open room with something covered in white on the table. He stopped hard at the doorway, air knocked out of him as if he'd been punched. He walked like a man in a trance to the cloth covered body on the table. Sunshine streamed in through the windows of the idyllic house and the birds sang outside the window. He folded the sheet back and stood silently looking at the body. He felt bile rise into his throat. It didn't look like Cas, only a shell of what he was. A sudden coldness he never known permeated every pore of him. It didn't feel right, nothing felt right around him. The Earth hadn't stopped turning. It shouldn't be warm and bright. Not when Cas was gone.

Oh God _…._ Cas…He was gone. Grief and regret washed over him like a tsunami and he felt like he was drowning. The hole in his chest…where he'd kept his most secret thoughts about the angel ached. He felt it throb in time with his heartbeat. He had so many chances to tell him and he wasted them all.

He closed his eyes and saw the image of a blue-eyed man smiling at him. _Cas…_

The thing on the table. It wasn't Cas anymore. So Dean covered the body back up. After a long moment he turned and ripped the curtains into strips and bound the sheets to the body and slowly carried it outside into the sunlight.

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He was sloshing oil onto the large bundle that lay upon a bed of wood. His movements mechanical and wooden, like someone else was controlling him.

Sam stood back speaking quietly to the boy they saved. That was Sammy all over, still caring for others while he was hurting.

"What do you say?" The boy was asking Sam.

He saw Sam look at the ground. "Thank you…You say thank you." And he felt Sam's eyes on him. "And you say you're sorry. You hope that they're somewhere without sadness and pain. You hope that they're somewhere better. You say…" His voice trembled then. "You say good-bye."

If Jack was confused he didn't show it and Dean felt hollow inside. They didn't know. They didn't know about the emptiness that Cas had been taken by in his dream. He knew deep in his gut that Cas had gone to the Empty, where there was only darkness and nothing else. Dean walked back to the two. He took out his lighter with trembling hands. So many times, he'd said good-bye this way. Dad, Bobby and Charlie, all of them. And now Cas.

"Well…good-bye Cas." He heard himself say and tossed the lighter in. The fire consumed the sodden pyre like the darkness had consumed Cas in his dream. Sparks crackled and flew into the evening air and he was reminded of another night so long ago in an old run-down barn. Dean numbly watched as the body blackened and burned.

He didn't know how long they stood there but the sun had sunk beyond the horizon sending blood red streaks of fading sunlight into the night sky when Sam clasped a hand on his shoulder, offering his unspoken comfort. Then he slowly led Jack back into the house leaving Dean alone with the smoldering ashes.

Dean stared at the pitiful remains. It was too late. He was always too late.

"I love you." He said out loud to the stillness. He wished he could've said it sooner.

And he walked away.

XXX

END


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